남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내를 위한 해결중심 교회 돌봄 프로그램 = (A) Solution Focused Church Care Program for the wives who suffer from the extra-marital affairs of their husbands

다국어 초록 (Multilingual Abstract)

Even though there are a lot of husbands’ extramarital affairs in Korean churches, they did not come out to reality. The wives have been suffering from their husbands’ affairs. There are some studies of the causes, types, and educational prevention programs of the affairs, but there are no case studies and care programs about them in the church. At this time, it is necessary to make a church care program for the wives who suffer from their husbands’ affairs.
This study aims for making a church care program for the wives. We do not use ‘pastoral care’ but ‘church care’. A pastoral care is worked by professional counselors and therapists, but a church care by a church as the body of Christ.
Bible says marriage is not persons’ design but the order of God’s Creation. Marriage is not a contract but a covenant (Mal.2:14, Ezk.16:8, Eph.5:22-33). “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."(Matt.19:5,6)
Husbands’ extramarital affairs became serious cause of divorce. We have to build up marriage, to protect it from the affairs, and to rebuild up couple relationship as a covenant marriage.
There are many misunderstandings of extramarital affairs. Most of wives have thought their couples are safe from affairs, if they are Christians, loving each other, and attending church activities. They do not give caution to affairs progress. It is working in secret conditions and husbands are falling into affairs in various ways. As the social causes, there are urban industrialization, increase in women’s social activities, open mind of sexual conception, enlargement in film media such as videos, DVDs, and internet, changes in expectation about marriage, and growth in the medical field.
As the causes of family background, there are multi-generational transmission progress, expectation of romantic love, wife’s pregnancy and childbirth, and children. As the individual causes, there are dissatisfaction of marriage life and ego desire, and personal disorders.
Wives have been suffering from their husband’s affairs. They are suffering personally, in relations with their relatives and children, from Korean social consciousness and church atmosphere. They are in crisis, cannot confront their husbands’ affair, cannot find any helper, do not know how deal with the affair, feel lonely as they become distant with others, and do not know how to ask for help in the church.
Wives have been reacting to their husbands’ affair in many ways. When they start to doubt their husbands, they try to find evidence of their affair. If the affair turns out to be true, the wives blame and criticize, think the affair took place because of themselves, and talk about it to the people they think could be helpful. In these reactions, there are some they should not do, and some they should do.
What not to do: Don’t let the present crisis destroy your perspective of total marriage
and life, with its past positives and future potentials, Don’t tell more people than
absolutely necessary, Don’s ask others straighten out the unfaithful partner, Don’t
become hostile into helpless dependency, Don’t apologize for not being a good
enough mate, Don’t go to the other woman and plead with her or physically or
verbally attack that person, etc.
What to do: Realize this doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage, Take time before you take action, Decide whether you are willing to work on the marriage, Be honest and direct with the information you have, Remember that the greatest strength you have in holding your spouse is your love, If your spouse says that time is needed to break free from the affair, agree to be involved in counseling if that would be helpful, Make sure to have honest discussions with your spouse, even if it means confrontations, etc.
There are two theological questions that we must answer before making the church care program for the suffering wives in their husband's affair.
One is that if the church can suggest divorce to them or not. The Bible says that a wife can divorce her husband if he's having an affair, but it does not teach us that this wife must divorce her husband. Rather, it emphasizes that she should forgive and love so her husband can come back.
Second is how a wife suffering from her husband apply Matthew 18:15-20. The Bible teaches us that this woman can confront her husband's affair, tell about the problem get help from a church member, and ask for help to a church minister.
This study is using Solution Focused Brief Therapy invented by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg to make a church care program for the women suffering from their husbands's affair. This therapy is adequate for when we think of the wives' situation during the husbands' affair. Rather than finding the cause of the probelm, it focuses in solving the problem and this helps the wives put effort into solving their husbands' affair problem without getting trapped with guilt. It does not find the problems the wives have. It finds the strength and resource the wives have and helps them to use it to solve the problem. It encourages the wives to continue the effective activities, stop the ones that aren't effective, and helps them to try new ones.
The most useful things used in this therapy are the 5 questions, message, and assignment. The 5 questions are question for change before session, question for exception, question for miracle, question for measure, and question for coping. The message is encouraging and backing up the conversation at the interview which is at the end of the interview. Assignment is working according to the goal for the problem solving until the next interview.
The church care program for the wives in suffering of their husbands' affair in emphasizing the importance of timing, suggesting the structure of church caring team and activity method, and established 6 steps of the wives' reaction. It describes the situation of each step wives' show and reconstructed the counsel contents of each step, message, and assignment with cases.
We look forward that this study will be used as a good church care tool for the caring the wives in church who are suffering from their husbands' affair.

목차 (Table of Contents)

• 목차 = i
• Ⅰ. 서론 = 1
• 1. 문제 제기 = 1
• 2. 연구 목적과 중요성 = 5
• 가. 연구 목적 = 5
• 나. 연구의 중요성 = 7
• 3. 연구 방법론 = 9
• 4. 연구 논지와 순서 = 9
• Ⅱ. 외도에 관한 신학적 이해 = 12
• 1. 하나님께서 제정하신 결혼 = 13
• 2. 언약관계로서의 결혼 = 15
• 3. 언약과 계약으로서의 결혼 = 19
• 4. 언약 결혼과 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내 = 21
• 5. 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내와 관련된 신학적인 질문 두 가지 = 23
• Ⅲ. 외도에 관한 심리적, 사회문화적 이해 = 30
• 1. 남편의 외도 이해 = 30
• 가. 외도 현실에 대한 오해 = 31
• 나. 외도 경험자들의 고백 = 39
• 다. 외도의 원인 = 41
• 1) 사회적 요인 = 41
• 2) 가족배경의 원인 = 45
• 3) 개인적 원인 = 48
• 4) 남편의 외도 원인에 대한 신학적 이해 = 53
• 2. 남편의 외도로 인한 아내의 고통 진단 = 55
• 가. 아내의 개인적인 고통 = 56
• 나. 시댁과 친정과 관련된 고통 = 58
• 다. 자녀들로 인한 고통 = 60
• 라. 우리 나라 문화가 주는 고통 = 61
• 마. 교회 분위기가 주는 고통 = 62
• 바. 아내가 겪고 있는 고통 이해 = 64
• 사. 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내를 돌보기 위해 고려해야 할 사인들 = 65
• 3. 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내의 반응과 관련된 우리 나라 사회 문화 이해 = 69
• 가. 집단의식 = 69
• 나. 체면의식 = 69
• 다. 은폐의식 = 70
• 라. 한 = 71
• 마. 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내와 관련된 우리 나라 문화 평가 = 72
• 4. 결론 = 75
• IV. 해결중심 단기치료 = 77
• 1. ‘해결중심 단기 치료’의 용어 이해 = 77
• 2. ‘해결중심 단기치료’의 전제와 가치 = 78
• 3. ‘해결중심 단기치료’에서 치료 과정 = 83
• 4. ‘해결중심 단기치료’의 전제와 가치에 대한 평가 = 84
• 5. ‘해결중심 단기치료’의 치료 목표와 치료기법으로서의 질문들 = 87
• 가. 치료 목표 = 88
• 나. 치료기법으로서 질문들 = 92
• 1) 면담 전의 변화에 관한 질문 = 92
• 2) 예외를 발견하는 질문 = 94
• 3) 기적에 관한 질문 = 95
• 4) 척도질문 = 97
• 5) 대처/극복에 관한 질문 = 100
• 6) 치료기법으로서 질문들에 대한 교회 돌봄을 위한 평가 = 101
• 6. 메시지 작성과 과제주기 = 105
• 가. 메시지 작성 = 105
• 나. 과제주기 = 106
• 다. 메시지와 과제에 대한 교회 돌봄을 위한 평가 = 107
• 7. 2차 면담 = 107
• 8. 후퇴와 악화 = 109
• 9. 결론: 교회 돌봄 방법론으로서 ‘해결 중심 교회 돌봄’ = 110
• Ⅴ. 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내를 위한 해결중심 교회 돌봄 = 114
• 1. 교회 돌봄의 시기가 중요하다 = 114
• 2. 교회 돌봄 사역을 위한 교회 기초 공동체로서 소그룹 = 116
• 3. 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내를 위한 교회 돌봄을 위한 소그룹 구성 = 117
• 4. 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내를 위한 교회 돌봄 기간 = 118
• 5. 소그룹 모임 안에서 교회 돌봄 진행 = 119
• 6. 남편의 외도에 아내가 보이는 반응 패턴 = 122
• 가. Susan Jacoby의 3단계 모델 = 122
• 나. Norman Wright의 4단계 모델 = 123
• 다. Kübler Ross의 5단계 모델 = 124
• 라. Dolesh & Lehman의 5단계 모델 = 124
• 마. Bob Bertolino & Gary Schultheis의 6단계 모델 = 126
• 바. 해결 중심 교회 돌봄에서 정리한 남편의 외도로 인한 고통 중에 보이는 우리나라 아내들의 6단계 반응패턴 = 127
• 7. 남편의 외도에 대한 아내의 반응 패턴을 따르는 ‘해결중심 교회 돌봄’ = 130
• 가. 충격 단계 = 130
• 나. 확인 단계 = 139
• 다. 분노와 혼돈 단계 = 149
• 라. 해결책 모색하고 실행에 옮기는 단계 = 158
• 마. 우울 단계 = 166
• 바. 적응 단계 = 172
• 8. 결론 = 178
• VI. 결론: 해결중심 교회 돌봄 프로그램은 남편의 외도로 고통 중에 있는 아내를 돌보는 하나의 좋은 방안이다. = 180
• 참고문헌 = 189
• Abstract = 203